Loss at words

Uncertainty, is what i had felt for the past couple of days, uncertain at what i was doing, where i was going and sadly as to the kind of a person i was. I replayed thoughts of despair over and over again until i made myself the villain,of situations i had no control over, until my doubts had manifested into perceived reality, until i couldn’t look myself in the mirror without seeing the ugliness i hid behind the sweet smile.

Those thoughts were followed by denial, i had to pretend nothing was wrong or else how would i have managed this responsibility? i had people wanting to read my writings but in reality i was just afraid if i were inactive for a while or showed any sign of weakness i would be rejected by you! Yes you the reader. So i hid behind ‘ consistency ‘ in my writings.

What followed that was escape by creativity, i could stare at a blank page for hours and wouldn’t form a single sentence. I wouldn’t be able to express my feelings or connect deeply with anything be it with people or reading.

It became evident i had to do something, like maybe put a temporary band aid until my next break down…

So,

I sought prayers but somehow it was hard to find connection with God, it was as if the chords connecting me to Him were tempered with or worse cut resulting in lack of communication.

I tried meditation, it always worked, always until then, the mere act of closing my eyes were impossible let alone concentrating in the moment, the now. It were as if my mind was rebelling against me, redirecting all it’s energies to amplifying the problems at hand.

That’s when i had decided, to find solitude, seduce my mind to work with my heart, to coordinate, to be in alignment with it. I had to find myself, to restore the flow, the creativity, i had to reestablish my foundation, i had to find the beauty hidden by the doubts, deep down i knew it lay somewhere under all the mess, I had to find it or else…

So here i am writing to you, my dearest listener, in hope of restoring my creativity in writings, my connection with you, hoping to find solace again in your kindness and support.

The past days i had been away from writing were a torture, i felt at loss of words. My connection with you is sacred to me. I pray until my end of time i keep on writing for you and to you.

With love,

Ifrah kusa