Escapism in love


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I had this toxic habit of seeking love for the wrong reasons; to escape myself, to escape dealing with my shortcomings and my mess.

You see, I believed if there was someone out there who can fill the emptiness and can love me unconditionally until i was complete and everything was okay, there was no need for me to love myself.

I actually believed it wasn’t possible to love oneself.

Of course, that meant jumping from one person to another seeking that perfect love. That meant on many occasions pouring the hatred I had for myself onto others, I cringe with shame whenever I remember how I always labeled them not good lovers or not good enough for me because they couldn’t fill the emptiness or cure the hatred I had for myself. So I searched and searched and searched.

I was actually not able to stay single for too long, it made me restless so I was always with someone, the relationship just never lasted long.

Disclaimer: I never found one.

Instead, I fall deeper and deeper into the dark hole, until i reached a point where i had no option but to deal with myself, to start cleaning the mess that was cleanable and loving the ones that weren’t. This was particularly hard but so rewarding.

That’s when i learnt my hardest lesson; No other person can ever be able to fill the void and emptiness inside of you. They can love you with the deepest of love, they can have the purest of intentions for you but they can never be able to complete you, they can never be able to love you on your behalf, that’s your job.

And the second lesson I learnt is; when your cup is empty, when your tank love is empty you cannot give out love, you cannot love another being, to be able to love someone else you have to love yourself first.

Today I choose to love for the right reasons and I love myself whether someone is able to love me or not. I keep on filling my love tanks so when it’s time for me to give out love I can give in abundance.

Have you been in a situation like this or do you know someone who does?

Love, always