Traces of you

Still after so many years, i search for traces of you in everything that i come in contact with. I search for your smile. For your warmth. I search for you on rainy days, on sunny days. I search for you in every street, every corner.

I wait, and wait, for just a glimpse of you.

The more i realize you are not to be back the more i yearn for you, And the more it’s difficult for me to breath even after all these years, to breath on Februarys, on Sundays, on rainy days, on your birthdays and our anniversaries, i whisper silently on tear strained pillow and wish for my longing to reach you, for you to feel the same at least.

i yearn for you to realize how terrible it was to lose me, to lose us. I yearn for you to come back and take me home with you the home we built so lovingly in our young innocent minds.

But do you know what is even harder? that i look for traces of you in every man that i met, and then choose completely opposite of you, for security, just to be sure not to fall for another you, just so i could prevent you from breaking my heart into a million pieces, again.

But that doesn’t stop thoughts from crossing my mind, of how amazing it would have been if you had stayed how different it would have been if we were still a thing.

Let’s stop for a moment though, how liberating would it be if i found another person who would know how to love me without me instructing them to, Without me having to work so damn hard. How nice would it have been if i could give my hundred percent and get it back maybe even with a bonus.

Eventually i believe I would find. I just have to keep on looking.

keep on looking until maybe i find another you or maybe until i find the one for me, the one that would stay against all odds, one that would love me harder than i ever loved, One who i won’t have to hide my imperfections from, rather allows me to flaunt them, one who I’ll not have to explain myself to, one who i will not be afraid to lose no matter how hard it gets, one who will make me feel secured and appreciated.

Don’t you get it? All i want is to be loved the way a woman deserves to, to be held, cherished, thought about, cared for, open doors for, kissed on the forehead, pulled chairs for, made feel like she’s the only one.

All i need is a love that feels like home.