Fear of unwilling seclusion

One of my biggest fears, which happened to take me the longest time to overcome, is the fear of unwilling seclusion. To be excluded. The feeling that you are amongst a group but are not actually apart of it.

For that reason it takes me a longer time and much more effort to open up to people. Don’t get me wrong I have many friends, some of whom I would even be willing to lay my life for, if need be.

But, allowing someone entry into the inner chambers of my souls? That’s a real problem and something I cannot do. Those parts are holy and messy.

I am afraid of letting someone in and later dealing with rejection, with exclusion.

I think this comes from my childhood, I was a misfit, never truly fit with any group. I was too soft. So I watched the rest of the world from behind a window, from the outside.

I made myself accept that I am nothing without an eternal factor, or being. I made myself believe that I did not belong.

In my adult life however, I tried hard not to be invisible. To belong to the inner circle. To be included. Somehow, this fed my fear even more because at this point whenever my inclusion was threatened, it shook my whole existence.

It took me years to rectify this, to finally get over my fear. Now with pride I can say I as an individual matter. I belong. I am worthy.