A lonely place

I believe i have talked about how much of a loner, non fitter I am but in reality it’s deeper than just that.

On my bad days I mostly have no one to turn to. I have an anchor, a support system, a friend only when I am in the “right” mindset, mostly when I am the one holding it together. It’s lonely and painful.

I am a pleaser too, in the most destructive way possible . I give myself so “selflessly” to people in order to fit, in order to be accepted, which shouldn’t be called ‘selfless’ because of it’s selfish nature; to be loved for reasons that ain’t there.

It suffocates me almost always

It’s hard especially on the days i have nothing to give, because on those days i fit nowhere nor do i belong to anyone. My worth is dictated by how much i put on the table.

However though, I put myself in this position in the first place, because I taught people to treat me this way, I made it okay to be treated far less than I deserve, because in all reality I used to treat me worse than that.

Instead of putting myself out there as human being worth to be loved, I put the other person first, I give them “my selfless services” by hurting myself in the process, dimming my lights, putting my dreams and desires in the back burner.

Now, stuck between past and future in a place called present. Hoping, Always hoping for a day when loving myself and teaching “others” how treat me will not be such a hard task.

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Love, always